What every mother really wants to tell their kid on Christmas Eve…
1. Hold it. Time out. Go back to bed. It’s still nighttime. Wrong day. Santa did not come. And he will not come tomorrow unless you let mommy sleep 2 more hours. Do you like Santa? Well, mommy likes sleep like you like Santa. And Santa likes when mommy sleeps. And you’ll like mommy more when mommy sleeps. And then Santa will like you more. So for the love of Santa let mommy sleep.
2. No, that was not Santa you heard, that was me rearranging your overpriced gifts in a hall closet commiserating with myself, debating how I could possibly display these awkwardly shaped gifts creatively without 72 yards of wrapping paper. How might I convince you of Santa’s new Eco-friendly green plan to save trees? But then I felt guilty, Christmas Eve mom guilt is rich & I started to look for gift bows. Lots of bows. Bows that probably kill sea turtles. Crap, I forgot to buy the flipping bows. I’m saving sea life, kid.
3. It’s in your best interest to keep a cup of coffee in mommy’s hand for the next 48 hrs. How can you manage to call Canada on a locked iPhone, get into the keyless entry of the car, Netflix your way to every episode of Barbies Dreamhouse (that totally ruined Barbie for me by the way), yet can’t keep me caffeinated? Push the lil mug button, it’s not that hard kid, then add cream until it’s the color of the stain on the carpet by the couch. You know, where you spilled my last cup. Bonus gift if you sprinkle a lil cinnamon on top.
4. The highlight of today will be the food & couch time. So sit back & watch my favorite Christmas movie from the 80s (set in the 40s) with me & learn the fine art of snacking on cheese prepared in a variety of ways. Sweet cheezus, yes, you heard me right, there will be no real meal until tomorrow night after I cook all day while you & your siblings beg for battery assistance for all your new toys because your father has seemingly disappeared to play with his new toys. So cheese popcorn, cheese roll, cheese dip, cheesy crackers, or cheese stick, your pick?
5. No it’s not time to open gifts. Not yet. Nope. Not even close. Almost. Stop asking. No really. You’ll open one gift today, close to bedtime & it will be less than thrilling. It will be Christmas pajamas so you don’t look like a homeless child in Christmas morning pics posted on Facebook.
6. Not all moms were born with the Pinterest gene. There will be slight crafting today but instead of ornate manger scenes, you will make a wreath out of a paper plate & your 4 finger hand print. And I’ll cherish it.
7. Do you not understand the consequences of your sas mouth, whining of borededom , domestic disputes over the best seat on the couch, temper tantrums, your unkempt room, & the lack of housekeeping support today? I kept receipts & I’m not afraid to use them.
8. That gift you will rip into tomorrow morning came from me. Me. Me going to 4 different stores, in 2 different towns, standing in line for 45 minutes to pay. All so Santa can get the full credit but so I can see you smile.
9. The nice you. The naughty you. The kid who misses the toilet, who ruined our anniversary, who puked in my shoes, who almost gave me a stroke doing algebra homework… I love you. You’re on my list, I’ve checked it twice. Not long ago you were the best gift I’ve ever received. I only hope to give you some of the joy you’ve given to me. And when you give me my grandkids one day, I will not hesitate to supply them with endless cookies & a karaoke machine so you too can enjoy the sounds of sugared up children on Christmas Eve in a decibel that lovingly melts brain cells.
10. Today we celebrate that on this day over 2000 years ago a very pregnant mother rode on a donkey for days in labor to find only a stable to prepare for her birth, surrounded by animals. No carol or nativity made from porcelain could fool this mother. It likely wasn’t a silent night & the smell was probably worse than the company party egg nog. There was no Santa, no cheese, no movies, & no penguin wrapping paper. But there was anticipation. Anticipation of a gift… that by tomorrow a tiny baby, the King of Kings, our Lord & Savior would be born. Tomorrow we will celebrate the true reason for the season, Jesus’ birthday. But today? Today we will celebrate, with good cheese & a moment of silence as we wrap gifts at 2am, we celebrate the fact that Mary, a mother, truly rocked that 1st Christmas Eve!
And all the Jesus moms said “Amen!”